I Fasted and This Happened

You see that gray kitty? That was me yesterday. Thinking, smelling, and seeing food that I decided I wouldn't have. Everything smelled more delicious than usual. Why didn't I eat yesterday? I participated in a group fasting experience yesterday with people from my church.

What is fasting? The way I would define it for my situation goes something like this: to abstain from food and/or something that you depend on greatly and replace that dependence with God instead for a pre-determined amount of time. When I first heard in our small group that this was something we were going to do for one day, I thought it would be too difficult for me to actually accomplish. I have a whole "book" on why this would be a bad idea for me.

Here's my history on how I would fast as a young girl. My mom taught us it was important to fast before doing something for God. So when my sisters and I were going to sing a song during service, or go sing at a church, I remember fasting from when I woke up until 12pm. I remember singing to God, praying, and reading the Bible. Then a few years later, my mom and I would dedicate a day and time each week to fast and pray at a church we were attending for God to bring Spanish speakers to this church for a spanish ministry the leaders wanted to start. God answered our prayers.

Then life got busier and more stressful, and I began to not take the proper care of myself that was needed. I became really skinny and started to have tummy and anxiety situations. At another church, I remember the pastor was encouraging us to fast, and someone asked me if I would be able to because I was so thin. I had not considered that I wouldn't be able to fast. Fast forward even more, life became very wonderful with my babies, but still challenging for the same reasons. I had traumatic experiences related to my eating, and I truly began to see food as my security, even when my tummy issues resolved, my fears of the past remained.

I don't think I had fasted again for many years, especially with the thought of, "but can I?" I tried fasting yesterday anyway. It actually began around 8pm on Saturday (we had a late dinner). We weren't really given strict instructions, so I think the Holy Spirit was guiding each of us. I felt I should see how the fast would go given my health concerns (including mental health), and that in order to compensate for perhaps not going entirely without food for a whole day, I would include fasting using my phone, specifically social media, YouTube, t.v. etc.

What I discovered was that I relied on my phone way too much for so many little things throughout the day. No wonder my screen time was incredibly embarrassing. No wonder my family would ask me to take off my headphones so much. Here we go. It was time to brush my teeth, and nothing to entertain me during that time. It was time to go to sleep and nothing to lull me to boredom. One time I opened up the usual X app and quickly turned it off because I was just so trained to automatically go there. If I would hold my phone to check the weather, right away my fingers would want to open the other apps too. Woke up, nope, no checking for notifications. Just quiet. Pray instead.

Went to church on Sunday, hungry and scared, but I felt encouraged knowing others would also be fasting like me there. Oh, I forgot to mention, I fasted my beloved coffee which my husband makes for me daily with his professional coffee equipment. The night before I told my husband, "Don't make me coffee tomorrow. I enjoy it too much". There were no real rules, right, but these are the things I chose to fast. My coffee is a treat, and it makes me feel like I have energy for the day. So there I was at church, not caffeinated, hungry, not my emotionally engaged worshipper self. Haha. I kept drinking water as the message was being heard. I tried to be social but eek social anxiety mixed with no food while starting to feel lightheaded... I excused myself to go over to my mom's nearby home while we waited to gather in the evening for prayer before breaking our fast.

Mom here, so I'm not eating, but I have kids that need to eat. We went to a nearby Pollo Loco. Do you know how good Pollo Loco smells when you are fasting? I had prepared a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in case I would need a bit of sugar or a small meal halfway through the fasting day. My thoughts were, "I'm in charge of these children, and I need to make sure I'm good" so I figured, my doctors have always told me I have low blood pressure, but it's normal for me, so I should probably have my snack just to be on the safe side. That sandwich seemed like eating sand as I stood in line waiting for my kids' delicious order. I had the hardest time focusing as I ordered too. I suppose eating helps our brain function better, especially moms with our mommy brains and all.

We arrived to my mom's place. Kids ate. I was still hungry. Tempting chicken lying around. I don't know why, but I decided to move my parents' furniture around thinking I'd get a chance to rest more comfortably. Nope. I only tired myself into ending up eating a pollo loco salad (just the lettuce, nothing big and fancy or with meat). So, lesson learned: when fasting, sit down and do not do things. We drove to our meeting location at 5pm. Boy was I hangry (hungry/angry). I guess not eating makes me angry. My husband though was in a good mood. I was fighting the urge inside of me to be upset that everything didn't go as well as I would have liked for a fast to go like.

At my mom's I would've put my headphones on, watched a show while helping her, pushing pause as often as needed. This time, there was no need to press pause. I was fully present. My kids were talking and playing and "bumping heads" at times, and again... I w a s f u l l y p r e s e n t... It was very clear to me yesterday that I use my phone as a way to escape stress. When I'm feeling really tired, or I'm doing a chore I'd rather not do, I listen to something to distract me. When my mind starts wandering to overly critical on myself places, I can ignore those thoughts with a podcast. When the silence feels boring, I can listen to some music. Pretty much, just don't notice my uncomfortable feelings.

Well, my husband and I went for a walk during our prayer meet up, and in my hangry emotional state, I told him mostly jokingly "We'd better talk about us first, because God might not hear your prayers" in reference to 1 Peter 3:7. I shared with him briefly what was bothering me these last couple of days, and he explained his mindset. Seemed pretty reasonable to me and God helped us resolve that rather quickly. Before we knew it, it was time to meet up at our restaurant choice to wrap things up.

I wondered, "What did God do in me during this fast?" I wasn't sure what I would share. The only thing that came to my mind was the phone thing. After we left, I normally would have checked my phone apps, but this time, I had liked not being so dependent on my phone, I kept it put away. I was very tired last night, and I had thought of reading the Bible before going to sleep (at around 11:30 pm) so when I opened my Bible app to check which reading I would be on tonight, the Bible verse popped up: "In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety" (Psalm 4:8). Maybe God was telling me something. I figured I'd try just laying down with my thoughts and see if I'd fall asleep. I did.

I kept my phone at an arm's length away, and I woke up very happy. I had jokingly told my family on the car ride home yesterday, "It's a miracle I haven't been on my phone all day". But, maybe it is? Maybe God did delivered me of the thing that was getting in the way of God's best in my life. Maybe the thing I depended on to get me through the stressful times and things each day was creating more stress and disorder for me. I figure, we all have different things we are susceptible in becoming addicted to. This screen thing seems to be mine, and God definitely showed that to me yesterday. It has pulled me in deeper and deeper, longer and longer hours each day. It might seem harmless, but it's great to realize: I don't NEED IT. I NEED GOD alone.

I want to dwell in God's peace more. Pray more throughout the day, instead of reach for my phone apps. I deleted my apps, and decided I will choose a time when I look through them on my computer instead. I plan on fasting more often after this. It was definitely a way of saying to God, "Look at me Daddy, I'm ready to hear your words of wisdom to me".