I Understand Sinners Now

"Sinners" is kind of a vague word. It can mean a lot of different things depending on the context you are using it in. When I say I understand sinners now, I mean that at one point in my adolescence I thought I was one of the most pure people in God's creation! My reasoning at my young age was that I had not committed the sins the Bible talks about. (The older I have become, the more I realize how many more sins were at work in my teen years that I wasn't really aware of.)

Still, maybe it was true that I was making good decisions then, but my heart was also resembling that of the pharisees who were so proud in their own works and outward actions, that it didn't really leave much room to appreciate God's incredible grace in His forgiveness.

So many Bible verses are popping into my mind right now. The one about the Pharisee who thought highly of himself when he heard the sinner next to him praying. Or all the ones where Jesus reprimanded the pharisees for following some commandments while neglecting others. But especially the verse where Jesus taught that the person who God had forgiven more loves Him more.

My little pharisee heart became humbled when I grew up and didn't continue making good decisions in certain important areas of my life. It was so easy to get swept away. One small compromise led eventually to a seemingly ocean of distance between me and God and it actually felt like it was killing me during my early twenties. I was filled with so much anxiety and sadness, my body took a hit.

I have yet to hear from someone else that has had a similar experience from me, but I'm sure they are out there, quiet. I've presented my spiritual turmoil to non-Christian counselors as well as Christian ones only to have it been dismissed. But my experience is very real, and it has taken a lot of residence in my thoughts throughout the years.

At first, I would feel a lot of guilt about my sins. I used to think God was angry at me. I would repent and then sin again, and again. Different sins. I felt God's mercy would run out, including His love. I was also so very much afraid of losing my salvation at that time. Thankfully God began to show me that I was very convicted precisely because He was inside of me. He was angry at what the sin was doing to me and to our relationship.

It humbled me. Still, almost forty years old, it amazes me how easily we can fall into temptation. It's always there. It looks different throughout the years, but it's always waiting for us to become weak and destroy us unknowingly.

During Sunday's message, I heard it's a good thing to know what our weaknesses are. We all have different weaknesses. A lot of us are most vulnerable during immense emotional pain. It's not like you can take a pain pill and get relief. It's tempting to try to distract ourselves from pain. If you're not careful, you are only adding more pain to your life, and not lessening it.

That's why I said I now understand sinners. Not all sin, but a lot of it is the result of a bunch of broken people (Christians included), lost in a broken world. It reminds me of the Bible verse about Jesus, "When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." (Matthew 9:36 NIV)

Thankfully we have a Shepherd who gave His life so that all of our sin wouldn't lead us to be slaughtered. We are forgiven through Jesus, and He truly is the only one that can help us walk away from our sin. It's sometimes a messy path, but He is laying a brick at a time down the path He wants us to stay on.